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Clarity.

At our challenge meeting last month Katie talked about sabotage behaviors, many of which were very familiar to me. I’ve been thinking about that talk a lot over the past couple days as I’ve tried to shake off the lack of progress I feel I’ve made and move forward with a go-get-em attitude. I read through the list of behaviors again and the one that I kept coming back to was having a lack of clarity. 

According to Katie, when we don’t have a certain degree of clarity in our goals and why we have those goals, we are more prone to sabotaging ourselves. Her suggested remedy is sitting down with yourself and asking some questions. Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? Why? The idea is that when you go through these questions with yourself, you will be better equipped to fight off the temptation to sabotaging yourself when that comes up.

I realized that I had an idea of my goals and the type of person I’m hoping to be but without writing them down, I’m still quite lost. Without having a place to visit these thoughts, they’re really nebulous and hard to nail down and use when I really need them. 

So here I am. When I ask myself the question, “Who do I want to be?” I automatically think of my application for the challenge. They asked why I wanted to take part in the challenge. I had a few reasons but mainly…I want to more fully live up to my job. My job is a huge extension of myself. It isn’t just my job. My job puts my lifestyle on display in a lot of ways. And, when I look at my job and then I look at my lifestyle, I don’t feel that they entirely match up and that’s what I wanted to change. 

I teach kids and sometimes my co-workers about gardening, health, and sustainability. I’m still learning about these things in so many ways every day but I’m still in a position to teach about these things and I love that. But, when I go home and watch TV and order pizza, I kind of feel like a fraud, even though this isn’t something that happens on the regular. Here I am touting the amazingness of pickled radishes and growing your own food, yet I don’t feel that I totally embody that. My physical body is the heaviest it has ever been. When I stand in front of the children and tell them that eating those veggies will make them healthy and strong, I know it’s true, but I myself am not living up to that for them, at least I don’t feel like it.

I’ve lost weight before. A few years ago I lost about 25 pounds over the course of a year, but my lifestyle was completely different. So, figuring out how to do that again and keep the lifestyle change that this will require is my challenge. 

So, who do I want to be? I want to be someone that talks the talk AND walks the walk when it comes to a sustainable, healthy, active, and fully lived life. And, it’s not just for my job. It’s for me. It’s for my husband. It will allow me to be more confident in my work life and in all the other aspects. I want to move forward with my career and I love where I work. Showing that I fully embody what I am teaching can help me reach this goal and carve out a unique, fulfilling, and more financially sustainable career, I believe.

I want to be someone who isn’t afraid. I don’t want to be afraid of having my feet off of the ground in crow position when I’m doing yoga. I don’t want to not go somewhere because I might not know anyone. I WENT TO AUSTRALIA AND DIDN’T KNOW ANYONE. Seriously. And it was one of the best things I ever did. I can do things by myself and be fine and probably have fun and meet other people. And that’s happened in this challenge and it’s been great! I hope it keeps happening! It will if I let it.

I want to be someone that doesn’t feel the need to pull at their clothes because they’re trying to minimize flabby bits. I just want to be comfortable and feel confident in that. I want to not be afraid of having my picture taken or have thoughts like “they probably are thinking about how much weight I’ve gained” when I see someone I haven’t seen in a while. It’s just nice to see them! Why can’t it end there? 

I also just want to be someone that craves salad, not raviolis all the time.

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